As regular-ass-people, you probably spend a lot of your time looking at fashion blogger’s pictures and wondering things like
How are you so candid?
Why do you have so much white in your house?
Did those flowers casually fall into your flat lat?
How do you have access to so many fire escapes?
Well, peasant, it’s simple really. It’s a little something I like to call, Blogger Magic. It’s the power we harness within that lets us bypass silly laws such as loitering and trespassing. For instance, If a regular girl were just to saunter up to a beautiful porch in someones home and casually sit down and pensively stare off into the distance — you can be assured that they will be charged with criminal trespass.
But if we sprinkle a little blogger magic onto there — the tables have turned. A blogger will confidently strut up to said porch where the poor basic is getting arrested, lounge nonchalantly with a cup of coffee, amazing handbag, and maybe even a print magazine (you know, for the vintage effect), and have her photographer snap, snap, snap away. Whats the difference, you may wonder. Allow me to blow your little mind. Blogger magic turns that creepy-toothy smile into the smallest of smirks, with the cutest of pouts. When bloggers stare out into the distance pensively they are actually soul gazing. With their dreamy looks they are sending out signals to the universe, to let anyone within a small radius subconsciously know that everything is okay. If bloggers smile, they don’t grin from ear to ear like a beast ready to feast on your flesh. They delicately laugh — candidly. You see the gentle ease of her smile? That’s blogger magic. You think the slight breeze happens on it’s own? Of course not! The wind always adjusts itself to keep bloggers down wind.
So with all these powerful vibes, who would even think to call the police. If some heartless black soul does call the police, trust that blogger magic will have them posing for pictures, because men in uniform are always in style.
With this short post, which I would have written as a pamphlet in true Jonathan Swift style if I could
just google him, don’t pretend like you know who he is, I will teach you the basics of harnessing this magic. I will show you how to relax on a fire escape the right way.
A Good Place to Start: Find a fire escape. If you live in the suburb you might be shit out of luck here. So either take a road trip to the nearest city, or find a respectable replacement. Your parent’s patio furniture? No. What are you blogging about? Dad bod? Maybe your own front stoop? Oh. My. God. If you were too lazy to even leave your own house, then your outfit was probably just a series of bad lazy choices.
Nice garage door, I’m glad it doubles as a runway. So leave your own property. Blogging is about having outfits that people can picture in their own lives. So unless you’re inviting me to dinner, I don’t want to see the pictures your husband snapped crookedly on an iphon5 in front of your amazing Ikea-hack china cabinet. Your neighbor’s awesome white-washed wrap-around porch complete with rocking chair? Yes! The local deli’s alley-way with brick walls! Heck yes! That small building in your neighborhood where all the divorced men moved into? Take a look! It probably has a fire escape or some cool brick at the very least. And if you don’t have a photographer, a lonely sad man is a lot better than propping up your Canon and setting a self timer.
The Essentials: Okay, so you found a cool set of stairs and/or fire escape! Congratulations — I’m pretty sure you can now blog about Urban Exploring, because that is obviously all it takes. To really harness the power of Blogger Magic you will need some essential items. I can’t always tell you what they are — because they change seasonally. And if you truly have the blogger
jeans genes within you, just listen to your soul. You will know in time. But I can tell you what they were this season for a street style look.
- Bomber Jacket – CHECK
- Adidas Superstar Sneakers – CHECK
- Customized? – DOUBLE CHECK
- Denim – CHECK
- Logo/Slogan/worded top – CHECK
- Rebel Beanie – CHECK.
I went with skinny jeans from the gap because I’m a blogger and obviously I make all the right choices. The sweatshirt is from Dimepiece LA and can only be described as DOPE AF. The Bomber is from Rainbow Shops and gives me very obvious cool girl vibes. And if you don’t own a pair of Adidas are you even a blogger?
Harness The Magic: Okay, this doesn’t mean sacrifice a chicken and bathe in its blood while chanting to the moon. Because seriously, Ew. Also I don’t fucks with brujeria. What I mean is, before you morph into your relaxed pose, THINK relaxing thoughts. Think about why you started blogging in the first place. Breath in deep and then let it all out w
hooooooooosaaaaaa. Think of the free Dubai trip someone will send you on if you just look more candid than all the other bloggers. When you finally feel all the pent up magic — hit the pose. No, not a pose… THE pose. Look slightly down towards the ground and bring one hand up to your hair to get those beautiful little whispies out of your bomb but also natural contour.
Take a Risk: Fire escapes aren’t always immediately accessible. Sometimes you gotta stand on a dumpster to pull the ladder down. Are you willing to go the extra mile? Will you do anything for the shot? No? Then go back to posing in front of your garage door next to your Toyota Prius. But let’s say you go for it. You climb that fire escape like there is no mañana. Is it perhaps a little rickety and not properly secured to the wall? Maybe. You should probably take a few parkour lessons if you REALLY want to be a blogger. Or maybe the handrails are a little rusty? Just be up-to-date on your tetanus boosters. You’ll be fine. I can keep going about the crazy scenarios that can happen
rabid cats, zombie outbreak, over zealous competing bloggers you’ll have to fight to the death, but just know that anything is possible. Stay alert and stay on your toes. You might consider taking a little combat training along with the parkour. Or maybe just carry a taser. Yes, they’re usually illegal. But if you’re not ready to risk it all then you don’t deserve to get any collabs.
I hope that this inspires you to go out there and really be all that you can be
might as well enlist. Being a fashion blogger is not only difficult, it is extremely dangerous. Which is why I will be starting the #bloglifematters movement to raise awareness of the hazardous conditions for us. Have you seen NYC bloggers in action? They will stand in a busy intersection just to show you how metropolitan they are. Please, don’t disregard this message. Lifestyle bloggers will climb dangerous mountain peaks just to show you how great they are at hiking in their Lululemon work out gear. They will literally lean over the edge to take your mind over the edge.
And for my fellow bloggers out there — loiter strong, and stay safe!
*** This is a satirical post meant to amuse. It is all humor and not intended to offend anyone in any way, shape or form. I hope that I was being obviously sarcastic enough in describing ludicrous situations. The truth is that I respect anyone who will post photos and write about things they enjoy whether it be fashion, hiking, cooking, brunching etc. Putting your opinion out there for the world to see is hard enough as it is I don’t mean to make it any harder for anyone by passing judgment. Let’s just laugh at ourselves for a minute — because bloggers (myself included) can sometimes over think and make what should be fun too serious.