HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!
I apologize for the Caps Lock, I wasn’t yelling. Just excited! I love holidays!
This was a quick look I threw together. I was thinking to myself, what would I throw on if last minute plans came up?
Because, ladies — we all know that guy. We’ve all been in a situation with that guy. You know exactly what fuck boy I’m talking about. The one that texts you first thing in the morning, but then mysteriously disappears for a while — then he hits you with “Hey, Wyd?”
As much as I hate to say it — sometimes we are just suckers for these degenerates [ Latinas, read: desgraciados! ]. Why didn’t we learn anything from 90’s/early 2000s pop songs? What would TLC think? Is a guy leaving you on “read 7:31 p.m. ” the equivalent of hanging out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride and trying to holla at me?
… Because I’m pretty sure Gwen Stefani taught us that we are NOT holla back girls.
Let’s say that you scored a date with the hottie you’ve been texting for a month. You get a last minute invite to get together at a bar — nothing fancy, just casual and no pressure. WRONG. Tons of pressure. Allow me to enlighten you.
- Last minute? What, did his plan-A cancel? Better check his Instagram and see who has been commenting under his pics.
- Casual get together for drinks? No. Put the sneakers down. Seduce and destroy is the new mission.
- You don’t want to accept and seem desperate. Honestly – RUDE! Why wouldn’t he think you already had gentlemen callers plans? … but that jawline is looking like the best seat in the house. You better wait a little bit before texting back. Texting is like swimming — best wait an hour before diving back in.
A Good Place to Start: The heavy artillery. No. Not the cannon, although blasting him to bits might be tempting. I meant bust out the ta-tas! I don’t care if they’re big, little, oblong, perfectly perky, or a little sleepy! If he’s been playing a texting game with you then go for the plunge neck and break his neck! Wear something that says HELLO is it me you’re looking for? I chose this red body suit because I wanted to stand out. I know that’s not for everyone — and it’s not even always for me. I get wanting to just blend in and chill, but the mission here has been to break necks, remember? Red can be harsh — but find a tone that works for you. Also, be mindful. Showing skin in an outfit is tricky. Expose too much and you might be solicited, and not for fashion advice!
[ Local Rainbow Shop]
Tone it Down: I like to balance my skin-to-fabric ratio. And generally, I find that it always looks better. Wearing a bright red plunge neck won’t look so great if you’re shaking your tatas in a tiny mini skirt and accidentally flashing your pet cat. So bring in a can’t go wrong staple. Jeans. I went with the trendier cut out denim — but pretty much anything would have worked. I would avoid white (personally) because you don’t want to be too extra. I also don’t really like white and red together too much, and I had intended to wear a black leather jacket from the start. Best not to bring in too many colors
[ Local Store, Nadri in Newark, NJ. Not to be confused with Nadri jewelry]
Make it Fun: I chose this fun little tassel bag because I liked how it looked fun. Yes, the tassels are all different colors — but that’s okay. It’s black [vegan] leather that plays nicely with the black leather jacket. Plus, if we’re trying to send subliminal messages with our clothing to the fuck-boy in question, then adding a little whimsy to the mix can’t hurt. After all, what is life without whimsy?
[ Shein ]
I was also lucky enough to have these red laser cut shoes already, that happened to be the exact color red as my top. Usually, that doesn’t happen.
Be Wary Of:
- mismatched shades
- looking too formal (really? a Edie Parker clutch at a sports bar?)
- muffin tops… spilling out of your jeans because they do not fit right! Not to be confused with the actual top parts of muffins. Those are delicious and always welcome.
- too much makeup. When you’re making a statement with your clothes, best keep the make up light. Unless you’re in a drag show (invite me) or you’re going full GLAMazon (where we going, friend?)
- dodgy people. Last minute invite to go out? Either he’s reeeeally stretching the nonchalant attitude thing, or he just had nothing better to do. Don’t be surprised when he sends you that last minute text saying that his grandma needs help vacuuming and he has to help her move the furniture. (fool me once….)
And yet… tonight will pass as quickly as it came. New couples make a bigger deal than older ones. The lovey-doviest of couples will argue about dinner reservations and whether or not to valet the car at the over-priced prixe-fix menu restaurant of choice. Honestly, you may be better off finding a lit fuck-you-cupid party at some club and shake your ta-tas judgment and fuck-boy free!